This is a very important message from DANA (Defense Against Noobs Agency)
Your mom!

–A n00b in response to a player saying "please stop spawn camping!"

Any certified doctor can easily diagnose the state of being a n00b, more commonly know as n00biness or Noob cancer. The following are things that are commonly checked when testing for n00biness. However, a strain of Noobititus B has recently had an outbreak. This virus automatically causes Nub stage Noobiness. It is transferred through the air from infected Nubs. Noobs do a lot of grenade spamming.(a noob tactic) The best way to diagnose a friend who is infected with Noob Cancer is to kill him/her on the spot and then teabag them.

Risk factors

There are several risk factors associated with n00biness. The most common are:
  • Gets killed by bot players who deal no damage
  • Failing grade 1 English class.
  • Horrid grammar.
  • Sucking ass but being unable to admit it. (if you can admit then you're still not a noob unless you use noob tactics)
  • Using noob tactics(eg: PP and human weapon (the infamous noob combo), rocket launcher against people on the ground)
  • Sucking on easy mode.
  • Having a gamertag that includes the word "sniper" despite absolutely sucking with sniper weapons.
  • Failure to know who Michael Jackson was.
  • Laughing at every word that comes out of someone's mouth.
  • Being sniped in the head by seven different people at the same time.
  • Singing "You Can't Touch This" over a live comm in a high pitched voice.
  • Taking more than 5 hours to complete the tutorial level, where there are no enemies.
  • Calling yourself "Elmo".
  • Asking blatantly obvious questions.
  • Being incredibly stubborn.
  • Refusing to understand polite attempts to help correct n00bish behavior.
  • Saying "Hello" overly politely to everyone who joins.
  • Saying "Bye!" to everyone who leaves, even if they already left.
  • Failure to refer to rules that are specifically meant to prevent annoying questions/suggestions (i.e. "I HAV AN IDEA 4 UR MOD MUTNT PIGGY :D").
Anyone with any of these risk factors should immediately be tested for noobiness before playing any multi-player games, in order to control the spread of the disease.


Noobiness manifests itself in many ways. The most common symptoms are:
  • Not being able to tell the difference between an "A" and a "4".
  • Failing classes because you wrote your final papers using the above logic.
  • Getting a boner after getting a kill.
  • Calling people Noobs to excess.
  • Thinking you are MLG yet still suck.
  • Tea bagging after every kill you get, not realising that tea bagging is for certain occasions or overrated.
  • Keep trying to get a splatter spree in a banshee.
  • Talking about sex to a great extent.
  • Hunting enemies relentlessly because they killed you once.


N00biness is extremely difficult to treat. Once initially infected, it is almost always impossible to stop the downward cycle. Some experimental methods that may work include:
  • Taking extra English classes during summer school.
  • Not killing yourself in a match at least once.
  • Avoid use of the term "pwn" until you actually can "pwn".
  • Breaking the "4" key on your keyboard (although n00biness will eventually lead to this because of excessive use).
  • Having the guts to ask someone out.
  • Beat campaign on at least normal difficulty.
  • Gang up on them (then gang T-bag them).
  • Actually taking the game seriously, and putting some effort into being a good player. This means ditch the bloody noob combo for an energy sword.
  • If you possess a username with multiple X's and the word "sniper/snipah", delete the account and make a new one immediately.


N00biness is highly contagious to those who are not vaccinated or have not gone through puberty. Exposure to any n00b for any amount of time puts you at risk of contracting n00biness. Exposure to n00bs should be minimized at all costs. If you need help facing down your n00biness, please speak to your local administrator.

Dealing with a N00b

N00bs can contaminate you with n00biness very easily. The following are the proper tools to deal with them:
  • Making them cry.
  • Yo mama jokes.
  • T-bagging (actually, this kind of fails a little bit...)
  • Focus all kills on them to make them quit.
  • Start shooting them, then let them kill you. Do that 2-3 times and boot them. Lose points but funny as hell.
  • Or really nothing at all because they will have already killed themselves.

Contagiousness... nessness

The spread of n00bism has reached the point where grown men with normal voices are also in this state. This amplifies the theory that n00bism may also be caused by people with extremely small penises trying to compensate for their carnal shortcomings.

If you encounter a noob...

Rejoice you have something to troll. Or...


Steal their shotgun and anal rape them with buck shot to the point that they rage quit.


Take a shit, because you haven't had a break for 7 hours.


Shoot them to death like everybody else.

Type of N00bs

  • Achievement Whores: Noobs who attempt to unlock all achievements and film them using the Theater on Halo 3, or else asking friends to help them get achievements, and then bragging about the completely useless Katana attached to their backs.
  • Aggressive Snipers AKA Lee Harvey Oswalds: Noobs who will do anything to get a hold of a Sniper Rifle, including killing their own team-mates. Lee Harvey Oswalds are known to yell BOOM! HEADSHOT! on the rare occasions they actually hit someone.
  • Beggars: Noobs who cant find there fav weapons so they cry and yell at you to trade weapons with them. WARNING they get more annoying after you trade weapons (trust me).
  • Major Noobs: There are many major noobs in the halo server. These are people who can't get up their rank and keep on creating new accounts until they rank up and when they finally reach brig or general they talk all the crap to lower ranks when they probably have played over 6000 ranked games total. Until they reach the ranks after Field Marshall and brag about it even though they only ranked up because of credit farming.

Stages of n00b disease

1. Newbie

Not generally considered the same a n00b. This is mainly people who suck because they are new and this can lead to some-what Noob like behavior out of pissed-offeness. The least threatening and generally most agreeable. Extended presence in this stage can result in advancing to stage 2. Can be confused with a decent player with a bad connection, as the symptoms are similar.

2. N00b

The second stage and the first that is a true n00b is what occurs when you get annihilated by a n00b. This is the most common stage of infection. These n00bs are often seen using the shotgun and camp in small corners waiting to pounce on prey. It can also be noted that they cannot think. as in they are not sapient or sentient.

3. Nub

Very incurable infection. Anyone past n00b is beyond treatment are prone to killing themselves every time they attack. The Nub is known to utilize it's complete suicidal maniac-ness to charge and blow up their opponents and taking them with him. These n00bs use Rocket Lawn Chairs as that's the only thing that even gives the a chance of getting a kill.

4. n00bad

The last and virtually incurable stage. These n00bs have progressed so far that they are pwned even by other n00bs. These insecure psychotic homos are no joke. Typically, a n00b in this stage is seen quite sad. Unable to make even the simplest and easiest kills they suffer from severe schizophrenia. The have difficulty preforming the n00b tactics seen above; an obvious sign that this is a n00bad. They generally result from extreme exposure to n00biness. Having sexual intercourse with a n00b in this stage typically results in developing the symptoms and progressing to a n00bad in 2 weeks. This is the most common form of n00bads. Symptoms include, but are not limited to, severe schizophrenia, unable to communicate at any level with a n00b or else, acute migraines, reality displacement, thoughts of impossible pwnage, difficulty concentrating and learning, several symptoms of Alzheimer's, extreme temper tantrums resulting from momentary exposure to awesomeness, all other n00b symptoms, etc if you do come there friend, however train them at all halo stuff as this often results in a friendly noob version of Chuck Norris.

5. us

The worst of worst n00bs of all time.

Known noobs on Wikia

  • Scooter
  • Ripjaws64
  • Party King
  • Nano
  • Sham
  • (Bad) Torry
  • NickFusi0n
  • Jacob
  • The anon who's IP starts with 67
  • DeeJayPonee's mum and dad and mom and grandma and grandpa
If you know any n00bs, please list them above. You have a duty to the human race to tell us who our true enemies are.

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