Over 9000 is the first episode of Kingdom of Loathing: Over 9000.


YEAH! I just won a mutant gila monster egg in the raffle. I put it in my terrarium, and- Oh, hi there. My name is Spellghetti, and I am a Pastamancer. You're probably thinking, "What the pancake is he talking about right now?" I'll tell you. I live in the Kingdom of Loathing. It is a place with lots of creatures. And stores. And stuff. Where there are 6 different classes. And different kinds of abilities for each one. And lots of equipment.

Okay, I bet you're confused. Well, go to and you won't be. Well anyways, my mutant gila monster egg just hatched! Now it's a mutant gila monster. He's a familiar. Familiars are creatures that people carry around with them, and they assist them. I'm going to name him Gilarasaur. I'm taking him with me to The Spookyraven Manor on the Right Side of the Tracks in Seaside Town to train. As I'm waling there, I notice a Sauceror going into a cave.

A Sauceror is another one of those classes. They are related to Pastamancers.

"Hey! Who are you?" I asked.

"Leave me alone!" said the Sauceror, running into the cave.

What loneliness.

I run into the cave and follow him.

"I told you to leave me alone, you geek! Don't you ever listen?" said the Sauceror.

Right after he said that, the Sauceror held out his arms.

"SAUCESTORM!" he yelled.

A cloud appeared above me, and started raining sauce. What a lame attack. Some sauce landed on my shoulder.

"Oww! This actually hurts!" I said.

Then I hit him with ravioli shurikens. He smacked them away like flies and a flyswatter. The Sauceror ran and jumped down a small pit.

"Gilarasaur! Get him!" I ordered.

We ran to the end of the ground. I grabbed onto Gilarasaur's tail and he stretched as much as he could. Gilarasaur pulled the Sauceror out.

"You are idiots. SAUCESTORM!" he said.

Another saucestorm was created, and it got rid of all of my hit points. I was forced to go back to my campsite. When you rest in your tent, your hit and mana points recharge. I rested twice, then went back to the cave. I went where the Sauceror went, and I saw a large pile of rocks, with a few shiny objects in them.

"Back again? Whatever. I almost have what I need to cause chaos in the Kingdom of Loathing," said the Sauceror, sifting through the rocks.

I had no idea what he was looking for, so I grabbed every shiny object I could get.

"Yes! The calculator of familiars!" said the Sauceror, holding up a shiny calculator. "Anlano out!"

Anlano pressed a button on a calculator, and a hole opened. Anlano jumped out of it and it started closing.

"Gilarasaur, launch me through the hole! Then, go out of the cave the other way and meet me outside," I said.

Gilarasaur launched me out of the hole. Anlano ran up the mountain and started pressing buttons.

"What is that calculator for?" I asked.

"You'll soon find out," said Anlano.

I remembered all of the other shiny objects I got. I used lots of meat paste, and combined things together. I ended up with three objects I've never heard of before: a laser flashdrive, a boomerang pallette, and an Anything's Copy Machine. I fired some lasers at Anlano, but he easily dodged. I throw my boomerang pallette at Anlano. He takes it right before Gilarasaur arrives.

"Now, I just have to figure this thing out," said Anlano.

I ran to my campsite, put Gilarasaur away, and get out my Dancing Frog named Canaphibin. I go back, and see yellow energy surging around Anlano.

"Throw your cane!" I order Canaphibin.

Canaphibin threw his cane. When it touched the energy, it became a sword.

"This energy is familiar energy! For a small time, I can manipulate things related to familiars!" explained Anlano.

Anlano threw the sword at Canaphibin and they both disappeared.


"Entangling Noodles!" I said.

Noodles came out of the ground and wrapped up Anlano.

"THESE WON'T STOP ME," said Anlano.

I looked at Anlano in horror.


Right after he said that, several living shapes appeared in the energy and rose up. Soon, the energy was covered with living shapes that I guessed were the new familiars.

"It would've helped if you said the exact amount of familiars there actually are now.

Then, the familiars spread out all over the kingdom. Anlano was gone, and the calculator of familiars fell. I ran to it, and saw that a button was missing.

"Wherever Anlano went, he has the button. It must be important," I said.

I put on my Knob Goblin harem veil and my Knob Goblin harem pants. I put on some Knob Goblin perfume, then I went into the throne room inside Cobb's Knob.

"I'll be ready for you in a minute, right after I'm through playing with my--" started the Goblin King.

"This is a familiy game. The only physical contact we're going to have is my fist with your face," I said.

I attack him with a pool cue. He threw three glass balls at me, and they hurt me. I focused my thoughts, and summoned Glimmerheave, the level 4 undead elbow macaroni. He claws the KGK for 7 damage. KGK throws his crown at me, and it hurts me a lot. I attack him with my pool cue. Glimmerheave kicks him for 9 damage. KGK attacks me with his scythe. I only have 1 hit point left, when I see Glimmerheave push KGK down and kill him. He levels up.

"Yeah!" I say as Glimmerheave leaves.

I get the Crown of the Goblin King, then go to the Council of Loathing.

"Congratulations for killing the Goblin King," they say.

I put on a Knob Goblin Elite Uniform, which is pretty powerful, then I start searching for Anlano. I go to the Typical Tavern Cellar, and see Anlano working on the floor.

"Anlano! Why are you here?" I ask.

"The calculator of familiars. Such a powerful object, though it's power can only be used for certain things at certain times. With it, I could have achieved much worse things. But that would take all it's power. Power to be used for other things. With one of it's buttons, I can harness that power. And it's my skeleton key for everything," he says.

Anlano presses the missing button, which is on the floor. Then, all the darkness disappears. The drunken rats squeal, and start leaving. Anlano uses a Saucestorm and combines it's power with the button to get all the rats to obey him.

"Attack!" he says.

Some of the drunken rats start attacking me. I easily kill them with my polearm. When I kill all the attacking rats, I see that Anlano has left.

"I have to get all of the familiars, so that I can defeat Anlano," I say to myself.

I leave the cellar.

"Where would familiars be? I'll look in the Sleazy Back Alley," I say, then I go there.

I see a big creepy spider, which I kill easily. Then, I see what looks a lot like me. Which is weird. I've never seen a mirror in the Sleazy Back Alley before. Maybe it's a new addition.

I reach out and try to feel the glass. But instead, I feel some kind of skin.

"AAAH!" I say as I jump back.

The creature tries to attack me with his polearm, but I dodge. I swing my polearm, and I miss as my helm falls off. The creature's helm is still on him.

"So it's not a mirror. Is it a Knob Goblin Elite Guard? It has to be," I say. "But why is it here?"

Suddenly, the guard stops and jumps into my hand. It is surprisingly light.

"It must be a hatchling," I say.

I take him to my terrarium. It turns out that he is a Polearm Guardarmiar. I name him Scyth, and take him with me.

A montage starts. Spellghetti captures all of the original familiars except a Doppelshifter and a Mutant Cactus Bud. Spellghetti wins a raffle, and gets a mutant cactus bud which becomes a Mutant Cactus Bud he names Cactocalon. He gets Cactocalon and goes to a Doppelshifter. Another person buys a doppelshifter egg, but loses it. It starts bouncing away. Spellghetti runs to it.

I have to get it. When suddenly, a large crack opens. Me and the egg fall into it, and there is a lava realm. Anlano is standing on a tall rock and he motions for the rock with the egg to come to him.

"Such a waste of power, you may think. Well you are wrong. Being the king of an underground volcano gets you much more enjoyment then being able to access anything. With the egg, I can turn every familiar into it's hatchling. Combined with a Doppelshifter, I will have shapeshifting armor that will let me rule more things," explained Anlano.

"Like that will ever happen. Cactocalon, spikes!" I order.

Cactocalon sticks up his arm. I pick some spikes and throw them at Anlano. Anlano's Polearm Guardarmiar comes out of nowhere and blocks them with his polearm. Then, the PG throws the polearm. I catch it, and give it to Cactocalon. He deals powerful attacks with the polearm combined with his spikes. Then, the PG jumps and kicks Cactocalon, knocking him out. The PG starts pushing me into the lava as Anlano puts the egg in a machine.

"No!" I say.

Anlano controls fire and shoots it at me. I push the PG into it, and he gets knocked out. I show joy, until the rock that I'm standing on falls, and me with it. I focus my thoughts, and call Glimmerheave. He grabs me and puts me on a rock, then jumps to Anlano and starts attacking him. Anlano is almost knocked out, but he pushes Glimmerheave into the lava.

"Entangling Noodles!" I say.

Anlano gets wrapped in noodles. He controls a sharp rock to cut him.

"Ravioli Shurikens!" I say, as I attack Anlano, then destroy all the rocks except the one that I'm on.

Anlano controls the rock that I am on, then starts tipping it over. I keep running to the top as he tips it. Then, he splits the rock in half. I quickly grab onto one half, then I swing around. I swing around and around and around and around and around. I let go of the rock, and soar towards Anlano. I punch him, and kick the machine. The machine fires a laser at the lava, and a lava monster is formed that melts the machine. The column that me and Anlano are on starts falling as Anlano escapes the noodles.

"Water can turn lava in stone," says Anlano.

"No need," I say.

I use Spaghetti Spear, and shoot it at the other half of the rock. The rock flies at the egg, and sends it up. I grab it and stick it in a hole of a small part of the machine. I throw the device into the monster, and it melts. The egg soars into my hand. The column breaks it. Me and Anlano are falling into the lava. I use another Spaghetti Spear, and use spaghetti to swing to safety. Anlano screams as he falls into a deep hole.


I go inside the Typical Tavern with my Doppelshifter, Qwertyuiop Asdfghjkl Zxcvbnm. QAZ for short. I jump in the barroom brawl, and defeat lots of people.

In the volcano......

Anlano was turned into rock. He is shown, then a drop of lava falls on his head and melts some of the rock. Anlano jumps up and roars, then commands lava around him.


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