I was born in a trash can. My parents hated me and called me Drek. One day I had enough.
I walked up to my father.
"Father, how art thou hatith Shrek?" I asked in my highest American accent.
He looked at me. I stared in his sexy eyes.
His charming eyes.
I realized then, my father was no ordinary man.
I cried. I slapped him in the face. He grabbed a knife and cut off my ear. I cried. I kicked his leg.
"Didn't you ever wonder how you never got a hot chick? I attracted all of them."
He kicked me and I landed in the clothes hamper. A group of sexy nude ladies walked out of the closet. They were my crushes.
"You ignorant fucker!" I yelled. "You're jealous of my love for Shrek!"
I pulled down my pants. I stuck my dick repeatedly in my father's asshole. Cum poured out of his eyes as he cried.
"Son! I amn't your father! Shrek is your father!" he cried as cum poured out of his ears. He exploded into a shower of onions. The sexy nude girls came up to me.
"Leave your father. Leave Shrek. You can fuck us. Take our boobs and lick them. Stick your dick in our ears and let us have orgasms all over you."
I said no. I picked up a pistol and shot each one of them. Except for Sarah Palin. Her accent is funny. I walked up to her and slapped her nipple. She transformed into Ryan Gosling.
"I knew you were sexy all along..." I said, undressing.
Ryan said nothing. He disappeared. I will always wonder where Ryan went.
"DICK! DICK!" I cried out in my sleep. I woke up. My penis had wet the bed again. I looked down. I was pregnant. My father, Prince Charming, had gotten me pregnant. I knew it wasn't him. The true mother, was User:Sierravs.world. She was a dick. She fucked me repeatedly that night. I cried each time.
But that was long ago. I looked at my baby bump. I knew I was pregnant with Shrek's lovechild.
I ran out to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. I had turned into a woman. I put my hand down my pants and lifted up a shredded cucumber. My penis had turned into a pickle due to lack of sex. My pregnant vaginna then suddenly began shaking. I knew it was time for Shrekbaby to come. I lied down in the bathtub as the baby ripped out of my boobies.
It wasn't Shrek. It looked at me. It was Leonardo, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I cried. This baby was sexier than Shrek. I tore off my sexy dress to reveal my now-sexy woman body and giant boobs (and shaved vajayjay) before ripping off his dick and eating it.
I walked up to her door. It was my lesbian lover, User:Sierravs.world. I opened the door. I had last seen her when she raped me back as a child.
"You look ugly." she said. But her boyfriend, Professor Oak, did not think the same. He pulled out his massive piece of wood and killed Sierra by slamming his dick into her head so hard she knocked out.
"My love..." said Professor Oak. He nimbly ripped off my dress, bras, and panties. I cried. I did not want to fuck Professor Oak. He started fucking me. I asked him if he wanted oral. He agrees, and I bit off his dick and ate it. He died after I impregnated him with a sexy car baby. I called him Floptimus Prime, like his cousin Gary's dick.
I arrived at my grave. I was 24 years old. My life was at an end. My monstrous boobs blocked my view of his grave. I cried. Gabe Newell was dead. I picked up Sierra's dick and squeezed it. It turned into a knife. I stabbed my boob and milk poured out. I exploded.
I looked up in my final hours. I finally got to look at my boobs. Damn, I was hot. But then I realized. I had gotten pregnant with Shrek. He floated out of my vajayjay. He said "It's all ogre now" as he put his cock in my mouth. I died smiling. I had become a Lesbian. I had killed a douchebag. I had raped Sarah Palin. I had met Shrek.