The Legend of Jack: The Epicness Continues
Season 1, Episode 5
Air date December 15th, 2013
Written by The Awesome Jack
Directed by The Awesome Jack
Episode Guide
I'm the Goddamn Bat Toon
Mental Shit


Lego is pole dancing in super tight boxers.

Lego: Oh yeah! 

Girls are squealing, throwing money. Lego sexually slides them into his boxers. He begins dry humping the pole until he accidentily hits his nuts. Lego squeals which just turn on the girls even more. Lego cries out in pain.

Girl: OMG just fuck me already!

Girl 2: No me!

Lego weakly smiles when his boss walks up, smoking a thick cigar.

Boss: Lego, a moment please.

Lego gets off the stadium and grabs his nuts as he walks into his boss' office. He screams in pain as his boss closes the door.

Boss: What the hell was that for?

Lego: Oh, I-uh, hit my ballsack.

Boss chuckles and suddenly has a mood swing, grabbing the skin fat between his eyes.

Boss: Lego, you promoted.

Lego: Cool! Can I get some ice?

Boss: Oh yeah, of course.

Lego is in the back of the building, icing his nuts. With his other hand, Lego is counting his tips.

Lego: 100,105,106,107,127...

Suddenly a girl pops up behind him.

Lego: Oh god! You scared me. Sorry, I don't do private services.

Woman: No, I'm not here for your mushy balls. I'm here to offer you a chance for better money.

Lego: I'm making a decent amount of tips every night.

Woman: For working here twelve hours a day?

Lego: Fine, what do you have to offer?

Woman: Prostitution.

Lego: Isn't that illegal?

Woman: The law only states a woman selling herself for money. Never mentions a male. Anyway, I know a group of black gang bangers who will pay a lot to rape a white stripper.

Lego: Thanks, but no thanks. I'll pass.

Woman: Are you sure?

Lego: Yeah.

Woman: Your choice.

Angrily, she storms out the room. Lego sighs, putting his cash stash down.

Lego: Where did I go wrong?


Thirteen months ago, when all the characters still lived together and the zombie apocalsype was happening.

Zombie: Rah!

The zombie attacked Lego. He bashed open the head with a nightstick.

Lego: Fuck yeah! I wonder if you rape a woman zombie, it will get pregnant and make a hybrid.

Ermac: I'll pay you twenty bucks to trying it.

Lego: Deal!

End flashback....


three months ago...

The hybrid walks around. Ermac hangs his head in shame, passing Lego a twenty. Lego smiles then looks to the hybrid.

Lego: I'm your daddy and I-

Sci: What the hell is that?\

Sci takes a shotgun and shoot's the hybrid in the head. The head explodes and the flesh get's all over Lego's face.


End flashback.

Lego: Oh yeah, that was pretty fucked up.

Lego sighs, putting his clothes on. Getting on his bike, he pedals home, nuts still sore. Jumping into his basement bed, he instantly falls asleep. In the morning, Lego grabs a cereal bar, says a quick hello the Jack and Junior, walks Pug around the block then gets on his bike and pedals to work. As he begins humping a girl's face, Lego screams out in shock as she licks his leg. Finding it sexual, the two have sex in the storage room. The boss catches him. Boss drags Lego back to his room.

Boss: You have real guts doing that on the produce that I sell.

Lego: After fucking her on the fruit, I sold it to a Mexican family with two small children and a fat ass father who speaks spanish faster than a fucking bullet.

Boss: You're promoted.

Lego: Shit.


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